Kill me now!!

There are times in our life that we want to kill ourselves. And I can say that, this day is one of those times. 

I just had an exam today, Economics- a retake from last year after failing it badly. This time I was ready. I know what I was writing. I know what I am talking. The only thing I missed out is I over know everything. Yes! 

You may not understand what I am saying but let me try to put it into analogy. It is like when you are cooking something. You are a chef, you know how to do it, you got complete ingredients the only problem is your just cooking a scrambled egg. I know it is much more confusing compared to my first statement but yeah it's just disappointing. 

I am not really worried of failing it if it was a complete dumb but in my case, I know it. that's the frustrating part. So right now. I just don't know what to do. I want to bang my head until I  feel no pain and bleed internally and just sleep forever. 

I hate failing and what I hate more is failing the second time. It is twice painful than death. 

A different Friday.

Today was an amazing day. I mean amazing in a sense that it's different compared to my usual Fridays.
Usually, I finish college by 3:15, in the afternoon of course and what I I do after is I go home directly and spend the rest of my day doing something unproductive. So does this mean that I was productive today? not either.

I finished college 1 pm today  because my teacher is not in, but instead of going home straight and continue my life in front of the computer, I chose to stay for couple of hours and spend it playing Ultimate Frisbee and Football. I never been into physical stuff for almost a 6 months now and I tell you, after the game, everything just went so wrong.

After two hours of running and chasing the Frisbee and another hour chasing the ball. I can feel my vision getting blurry and my blood is going in circles. I can hardly walk  after that. This is a sign that maybe I should exercise sometimes.

Though, it was only five of us, a guy from Oxford uni, my classmate and the other 2 from college, we still had fun, I guess. but sad to say that this might be the only time I'll be able to play the game in such kind of physical demand. Next Friday, everything will be back to normal- teacher is back and again I finish at 3. back to boredom.

But yeah, the good thing is, my body was able to see pain again after a long time. When I say pain, it is not literal just something beyond the boundaries of my usual physical activity. My poor performance earlier only suggests that I am over-consumed by my laptop and tv and that I should probably see the world more often.

But yeah, all in all, day was amazing!! :D

Anger!!

I hardly get angry, I get annoyed a lot but that's just it. If I am angry, I know I am angry. And if my memory serves me right, I only got angry 3 times since I was 17. I really don't like the feeling. I hate feeling angry because I know I am beyond my self-control and my boundaries. And I always try to control my temper as much as possible because Anger just makes me feel like dying in a sense.

The guy in this photo is not me, I just copied this from Google.

I want to share the times where I got angry but It's a bit personal to write something about this simply because this involves other people but I just thought that maybe I should, just to lessen the things that is running into my head but I would probably try not to talk that much.

The first time was when my sister insisted something that is impossible-it is actually possible but the risk is so big that you can't get over it. It wasn't directly me and her conversation, rather it was actually her and our mum who were talking. I just entered their talk because I was pissed off over her irrationality. I shouted at her and after that, my hand just when shaking and my head was so heavy and I felt that my heart pumped 3 times the normal. From that experienced, I realized that I might be susceptible from heart attack or even worse. I tried not to get angry from then on.

The second time was early this year. I was in my room when my sister came in and called me because our parents are arguing [for some stupid reasons]. And the one thing I hate the most is being bothered just for a stupid argument. You can argue all you want for as long as you argue in your own space and your own expense but the moment you bother me and it will affect me, I go mental. So I stood up and went inside their room and shouted twice their voice and just punched the wall. The same thing happened to me after, my eyes bulging, I was breathing deeper, my heart pumping much faster and my hands are shaking- I really don't like that feeling- it was very bad. 

The third time was the other day, the same reason like of the first one but in this case it was my mum who's being irrational. Our argument was not about who is right, I am not claiming that am right but I am trying to point out that she was wrong. And another thing I really really hate is when a person is not that open-minded and that she can't accept any possibility. I lost my temper. My Buddhist mantra was broken. I felt my blood pressure rising. My head about to erupt and I started to speak German. I immediately called my sister and informed her what happened and told her to talk to our mum. And until now, me and my mum still aren't talking.